Ryanruizde

2009-07-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm loosing who I am. I don't get it I feel lost, but I don't want to find myself. I am finding that I enjoy being lost I am starting to realize that I have no true purpose in life. I fear that I am going to be one of those people that hit a time clock for the rest of my life and nothing exciting ever happens. Thus I feel that I have to start making the most of my life. I have deiced to find a real job one with a future and Yes pay for me to go to school. The job I am hoping for is a patient escort (get your minds out of the gutter people). Thus with this job I am planing to start taking vacations. 1) place I am going is Amsterdam 2) is Caribbean 3) France and 4) is Spain.

What else well I am kind of dating some one it's not serious at the moment but might get there. It might also stall after Saturday. I'm I so wrong to want to be alone I don't want to be with one person for the next 60 years. I would like a family but I can have one with out a Partner (just a little harder). Is it so wrong to want to be myself and not have to share that person with the world?

I am starting to realize I am the only person who really knows me and that I don't even know my closest friends like I use to. I fear I am rambling here (not like anybody is going to read this anyways). So peace out my Blogger's!!!

Ohio Now.!

2009-06-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I'm down in Ohio now and I feel more relaxed; despite the fact that I have no money comming in and bill that need paying. I guess I'm just relaxed, because my Grandmother is very sure that I will get this job at the Hospital. Which that will be nice they will help me pay for school, which is going to be interesting I'm switching my major to Rad-tech.

Let's see what else....

I am getting a deal on a brand new car in Aug. I'm excited about that. Well that's all that i care to share at this moment...

Yo! T'is time for an update.

2009-02-10T10:18:00.000-08:00

So I have decided to move to Ohio, and finish school. My cousin is going to move in with me hopefully, so I won't have to stay at my Grandmothers house for long. Thus to celebrated this momentous occasion I want to have a party. I am thinking a house warming and leaving party. I will supply some drinks. I am also thinking that I might have two one here with my MTP friends and one back home as a send-off the night before I leave. I will be expecting all my friends to join me at one of the parties.

Let's see I am working a lot and just covering bills. I am still single and looks to be keeping it that way till I move. Other than that I have nothing new to add to this. Catch ya later.

Yo!?

2008-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

So, I graduate roughly a year form June. It's taking me a few years, but atleast I will have a degree. What I will do with it is beyond me. So I've been seeking professional help. I am not getting what I thought I would, but I've only been going a little while; I just don't feel better. However, he wants me to go to a Psychiatrist's and be tested for a disorder (hmm. I might be bipolar.) That's a shocker, not.

So I've also been dating (a lot) this is what I want if you know someone that fits this description let me know. 1) Likes rock, metal, pop, rap, and certain mainstream music.
2) Likes going out as much as staying in.
3) Does not want to have sex every night.
4) Funny.
5) Likes my friends.
6) DOESN'T PISS ME OFF.

So until I find the person that fits those six characteristics I shall not have sex till then.

I might be eating my own words sooner or later.

Why?

2008-09-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Why do I get so stressed. I'm tired of stressing about things that are out of my control. I mean it's not to the point it was last year, but god damnit I've had a hell of a week.

1) Step dad has prostate cancer.
2) Broke...
3) Working a ton.
4) School is filling my plate.
5) I can't scream and I want to.

I am going to Florida for a spring break. If you'd like to join me let me know. Only, serious apply.

Oh God!!!

2008-08-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of work and working. I mean I would have no problem working all these hours if it was at one job. 33 hours out of 72 hours... Yeah for school. Why did I just say that you ask? I have two days off a week and my school schdule is sweet. I'm there on Monday at 10 am till 1125 am then Weds same time and then again at 6 pm. Wow that's a big break I get chills and love it time off. That's fucked up I know.

You all wondered if I have morals.

2008-08-10T21:25:00.001-07:00

Well I was online chatting with a friend-of-a-friend and got really pissed off. This person kept inviting me to there place for a "long weekend." I told them that I don't take time off, because I don't have paid days off at the moment and they said well "if you're good enough i will pay." Believe it or not I actually went off on the fucker. I simply said " I don't get down like that!" I ended up blocking him from aim and sending my friend an e-mail not to give my sn to any one ever again. The nerve of the person to think I was a common run of the mill hooker. I'm pissed. Just because I am broke does not mean I will sell my body. Honestly I am easy, if you're hot enough yeah sex will happen, but to offer money ewww! So there u have it my morals I will not take money for sex!!

Hmm!

2008-08-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've come to the realization that my Mom is really concerned about me. This is how it started. My phone rang and my friend answered it for me, (cuz I was in the shower). Mind you this is the second time in the last couple months that a "stranger" answered my phone. This than lead to the conversation that was weired "When are you going to get into a relationship?" she said. "Umm... I dunno 30 ish.?" Then we kinda got heated. My point is that no relationship in my family works. I've been burned and don't want to be burned again; not to mention that I'm only 23 do I really need to find the love of my life so young, wouldn't it just make it boring and harder to stay together after 30 or so years? but if I find that person when I'm say 30 then by the time the heat/ passion ends we'll both be to old to split and just stick it out until they die and I get a lover half my age. (mind you I plan on being well off when I'm old.) So is my reasoning behind all this misguided or is it just right for me. Mind you I'm really not looking for the love of my life; I'm perfectly content being single. I don't need some to have kids with or anything like that. I am self efficient. I guess I just don't see the point.

P.s Why is every one obsessed with Olive oil?

Yeah!

2008-07-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

So my b-day will be here in ten days ( I'm not sure why, but I'm not looking forward to it.) I don't know why it's bothering me so, but I'm just not ready to turn 23. 23 is not old by any standards, but for me it scares me; but what scares me the most is that I'm not sure why I am scared. It's not like I'm turning 30 or anything. I know I am going to change a few things, but I'm still figuring out what I am going to change. Yeah, so those who read this know when my party is if not it's the 19th at 8 pm let me know if you can come. Bye for now.

Wow!!!

2008-06-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it's not much, but it's a start. I have been picked to be a Projectionists at the movie Cinema. It's just an extra shift a week, but if I can get up to four shifts a week I won't have to work at Meijer. yayayayayayayayayayayayayyaya!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I GIVE UP!!!

2008-06-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, we all know I am pro-dem. but the party let me down. I thought for sure that Hillary would win the nom. I was wrong!! If Obama does get it I am letting you all know that I am voting for the old man (McKain); compared to Obama he's got a better grasp and he proably won't make. Granted I am almost certain that the nation won't vote for McKain. Stats show that he is to old for our nation and face it the last time we had an old guy in office we dropped the Atom-bomb. Mark my words. I will be done with school before the end of the next term and if this nation isn't going in the right path I will be doing the opposite of my family. I will be going to the UK. I am disappointed in my nation that my GRANDFATHER, MY FATHERS PARENTS AND SO FORTH right down to my triple maybe even more Great-uncle Sitting bull; has flocked to the land. I have to jump the pond inorder to make a decent living. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!1

2008-06-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have nothing new to say. I am planing a party some time this month it will be a saturday. I am not going all out, I doubt many of you will show. BUt I am letting you all know bye for now.

sup world

2008-05-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say. I am in my new place and I have two jobs and no money... I like the fact that I am by myself, but it does get a little lonely, but I think I will get over it. I might buy some form of hamster or cat or both and just cross breed'em. Other then the endless amount of silence I am good. Thinking of a get together but not until I get my new tv and couch, probably just couch.

Hello World!

2008-05-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not posting sooner, but with school, work and packing and then unpacking, my time is little. I am finaily in my new place and can't be happier. It is so quite and I am in my own little world once again. I am most definitely ready to enjoy this chapter of my life and am thinking about a third tattoo. I was thinking something like a Mountain with the sun coming up. Or a dragon going down my thigh. If you have any ideas let me know ASAP. Well, ya'll I must get going from this I will be posting pictures on myspace, but not till I get my couch.

Last Night...

2008-04-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of fun siting at a total dive bar and hanging out with my friends and getting drunk and drunker. it just felt right I've been so happy the last few days. I don't know what's changing I'm just happy that it is. I am actually so close to the finish line that I can see the win. I can't wait till Next year I start getting paper work ready for student teaching and off to England I go. I would like to work there a year post student teaching. Then I will roll the dice and go from there who knows I just might end up in France, Russia, Italy, Sweden, South America, only gods knows I think he knows; can he see the future it really hasn't been written yet and when you figure in free-will that makes up a large part of everything right. Here's to letting go and moving on and never ever looking back.

I am so fucking sick of people!

2008-04-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have no reason to bitch i just feel like being one. I kinda wish I could turn time back and re-do a couple of things, but ya'know shit happens for a reason. I just wish people would just stop wasting my time. Would I be wrong for deleting Kraig from my "myspace?" I truly of no use or need for him. Hmm this I shall pounder for a while, before doing so. Yes, if I delete him I will have him off of my cell phone bill.

Downloading!

2008-04-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Things I needed to do.
1) get a new job (got two)
2)Pass the term (so far so good.)
3) Piss on the people who did me wrong. (in my own little way)
4) Find happiness (well I am kinda happier)

I hate it when the Repbulicans are running shit.

2008-04-04T10:47:00.001-07:00

I went from 16,500 to 7,500 in 12 months. I have more going out then in. I have robbed Petter to pay Paul so damn much that Paul can't see straight. I know and understand I have made this bed and now I have to sleep in it. But at what point does it get better. if the hours i have at Meijer would just go up by two shifts I'd be okay. I would be more than just floating. On the go side I might be enter upon something that should have meaning and I am doing pretty damn well this term. I am just worried that I won't be able to afford to continue my CMU degree. Who knows I just might get a job and flourish in MT.P.

There I updated.

My Dream.

2008-02-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you this is really weird. I was at my moms and there was a funeral ( I don't know who died it was a closed casket). I was walking around without a shirt on and some shorts (I must have worked out I looked good with out the shirt on). During the day people kept coming in and pay their respects and what not, but during this time I was locked in a room (my choice). In this room there was this fine ass blond and we ended up having crazy sex. Towards the end of the dream I was leaving the room. As I left my mom said "Don't you think you should say good bye?" So I sat on the floor talking to the casket and started to cry (woke up crying). What does this mean??

Glory.

2008-02-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

I think I am going to be very happy. I have met some one very special I feel that we're going to be good friends or more. I hope more. I spent three hours on the phone with them. It feels good that some one and I might be happy together.

2008-02-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

Change everything and everyone is changing. I can feel it within myself. I don't know if it is the lack of stimulation or cabin fever, but I need to change something and everything fast.

Starting with this. My first mental health day is Saturday of this week. I would like to go out and hang with my friends. If I still have some.

I know I have been putting a distance between us and now comes the time to change that. Let's do it let's hang out more. I know I call people, but do you??

2008-01-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'm doing it. I am changing. I can feel the happiness tapping at my shoulder and beckoning for me to play with it. I am wanting to hang with old and dear friends. I don't want to be with the new ones. I don't want the drugs, the booze, the sadness. I want MY LIFE BACK and I've got it.

I have deiceded to hire a PI to find my dad so I can send him a letter telling him my stance of him. This leads me to ask: should I let a sleeping dog rest or should I unload so I can finally have peace with him and my life. I don't blame him (much). Do I feel my life would have been different if he was in it. Yes, the scary part is I don't know if my life would have been better or worse.

2008-01-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

To the next "Special Person In my Life."

1) If you cheat you're gone.
2) Yes, being drunk and fucking your ex is cheating.
3) Once, I dump you I will ever take you back.
4) I will not be your friend when I break up with you that's it.
5) I won't hurt you if you don't hurt you.

I am speaking from my past. I hate it so much, but yet again I was fucking right. Twice. I didn't cheat on them once. I will never get into another ltr.

2008-01-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

I often fear I am to nice. I do/have noticed one thing. In this materilistic world I could be King, however I am not. I like nice things and I like my things to be nice and stay nice I have noticed this; I share. I notice the other day that I am very different then my brother. My mother realized years ago that you don't share your wife, house, clothes, cars and extc. Thus, she change her parenting style. You can share if you want to and trust me I don't want to I just do. This brings me to the point I would like to make. I don't care for being nice nice gets you nothing in this world. I have been to nice to many people in this world and I have yet to be repaid for it. Nice guy is dead.

2007-12-12T07:02:00.001-08:00

So help me god.
I am going to make myself over. I am going to get a new job, get into shape and not allow myself to be used any more. I am so tired of people that use people for personal gain. If you think this is about you then either you've used/use people or me. I have to say I am not broken hearted just hurt that things went the way they did. Yes, signs were there and they told the truth and when grandma says something you need to know that's the truth. People come and go, but true friends stay with you. Despite all the things I've been through this feels like the worse. Maybe, we need to talk maybe not all I know is that I am not going to let this shit get me down anymore. I'm done. My heart is now calis to these things. I will survive, but can you say the same? This new year will bring so much happiness I can't wait. I'm done with the users.

2007-12-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm done. I am so out of this state. I am not meant to live here. I am not meant for happiness here. I will be miserable for life if I were to be doomed to stay here any longer than I have to.

2007-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

I am truly starting to hate the holidays. I think it might be my family. We're to opinionated to be couped up inside with all of us. I actually got into an argument with my Aunt. I never argue with anyone other than my mother and grandmother. People just piss me off to no end. I am so the type of person that will UPS my families gifts to them. I just don't see why we have to spend every holiday together. If I saw you on Thanksgiving and you were healthy then I can wait till January to see you next time.

In my opinion when you add stress+family+not feeling well= LOT'S OF YELLING!!!! I wish people would mind there own business and keep out of mine if I'm not breaking the law then I'm okay. I can't wait till the end of this semester.

This is probably going to be the worse one ever. I am looking at academic probation. I will have to get nothing less then 2.5 to stay in school. They HAVEN'T told me this, but I am preparing myself for it. I just struck out this term and don't understand it. I think it might be the stress of not making money and the whole depression thing. I am officially over that if anybody cares to know. I have decided that I need to love myself, before I can love another.

I know it's extremely early to be thinking about the goals for next year, but here is the roughest of rough drafts I can put together.

1) MY OWN PLACE (Achieved I move in May.)
2) Get a good job. (By good I don't mean more then minim wage, but at least 30hrs/per/w)
3)Travel. (Las Vegas for spring break. March 3-6 ish)
4) New Car.
5) Savings account
6) Get into shape. ( This was placed here on purpose. I say it every year and every year I lose 10lbs and gain it back. With my own place I will buy the food I need to eat to lose more than ten lbs and did I mention that I am going to use the CMU gym)
7) Be happy.
8) Be a better friend. I have noticed that I always turn the subject around I think I am giving advice, but I don't think it is taken that way.
9) Spend more time with people and less time with me. I am the only one that can play my emotions and I play them like a fiddle.
10) And just have fun.

If you would like to add an adventures to mine let me know via myspace. I am attempting to composite a list of places I haven't been and places I have been to and want to see more of. I know I can drag Rachel. Let me know.

2007-11-07T08:02:00.000-08:00

"I'll call you tomorrow."

I hate that fucking line. I expect it out of someone who I just meet, but not from people that I've known for a while. I say this, cuz I feel like I am being ignored. This person and I had plans I canceled cuz my cousins needed a sitter. Family comes first to me. No problem. I call them later. "I'm bussy call you tomorrow." I send text message yesterday at ten pm. Call me. No response. Send them a message this morning. Getting conerned. No response. Hmm, the motherfucker is ignoring me and now I'm pissed. Thought we were gonna do something last night so I didn't make any plans. I spent the night at home waiting on a call. I don't know what to do. What really melts my butter is the fact that it feels like I am being ignored. I have done nothing to recive this negitve treatment. I really hate people. I think I am moving to MTP in May. I have to fill out some paper work but it might work out that way. go me.

2007-11-05T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hi all. Well I don't get it. I am turning into Anna; maybe even surpassing her. I just can't say no to sex. Every time I am chatting with friends online one thing leads to another and we end up having intercourse. I don't know why I can't say no but it feels so good just to have sex. Granted one of us is usually walking kind of funny the next day or so, but we both have smiles on our faces.

I found out something even more interesting last night. This proves I am right about crazy people being drawn to our little click. it must be, because we're all a little crazy??? Well any who here is the news. Corey ( Rachel's former SVSU roommate) has been hospitalize. I was talking to a well known source about this and it's true. "What happened was she just snapped." the source tells me. "She started hanging around every one here and creped out some of the customers and well she got kicked out of the bar." Checking her last logins this maybe be true. However, if it is true this proves to me that the mentally ill are drawn to us. Here is my proposal lets all change our majors and be shrinks. The crazies are gonna find us no matter what. If you have proof that this story is NOT true then please let me know and I will erase it till then the story stays.

2007-10-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

I don't get it.

I feel physically fine; just emotionally I feel like shit. I don't know if it's the old me poking it's way through again. Or a lack of direction in my life. For the first time in my life I don't know what I want. I can't stand this. I always know what I want. I don't know what I want right now. Most people want love, romance, and all that. I don't I couldn't tell you what I want. I want to be happy. I don't know what to do to feel happy. The usual things don't do it. I geuss if I move to MTP I will begin to get happy for once.

2007-10-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hi. I've been sick and unable to reach my laptop. I'm still a little whozy. My fever is down. I had to take sudifed. I am not happy about that. I don't like studifed.

2007-10-14T08:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'm moving. I can't do it here anymore. I need a change I need something to push me forward and stop tring to hang on to the past. It's like everyone is going on and I'm still stuck in the past. Maybe a move will do me good. Let me reconnect with myself and help me realize I am and always will be better on my own. As long as I have my friends and family I will be good. I am tring to figure out my emotions, but fail at every turn. I have decieded that that past is the past and there is no seanse in fixing what is done. All I want to do is remeber the good times, but latly I am fixed on the bad. Not just in my personal life, but family, and work. I have decieded that I am appling for a mentor program for the MTP schools and to work the door and the Blue Goator bar. Contemplating something that will help me find my passion again. I fell as if I am a total lost. I am gonna go back to thearpy and hope they will give me the tools I need to fix my life. With the prostpects of a new job I have decieded to sell my car at tax time, I dunno what I'm gonna get, but beat your ass it will be another hot car. I am gonna go on a much needed vaction. I was planing on going to London over Christmass, but have changed my mind and am going to London in June. Maybe, I won't come back maybe I will. I just want to be happy. It's been years since I felt happy and I 've noticed today I miss it like no other. I am not meant for a relationship happiness, but happiness in my proffisonal life. My goals are changing. Although I want to be an educator, I want my own company. Nothing big but nice. I want my own bars (serires of bars), chain of movie theaters. I want a kid. I don't want a kid with my DNA, we all know that would not be the best. My DNA is basicly unknown and I think I am gonna keep that. I have realized that I don't need to know who my father is, nor which person is my grandfather. Although, those things are swell I don't need them. I know who loves me and who doesn't and I am just fine with the people that love me. Never again will I allow myself to get hurt. To get hurt makes you valunerable to be valunerable is to be weak minded. We all know I am not weak minded nor am I valunerable. I noticed a wierd change in me. The old me is gone the new me is kind of more fun. I want to go places I don't want to be home, but I don't want go to the bar. Drinking has lost all fun for me. I would like to end this update with a quote, however I can't remeber who said it; it's just one of those quotes you know exist, but can't remeber who said it. "My pen is the sword and my brain is the theasurs. As long as I have ink, my pages will be filled. My theasurs is my brain. My brain can swim the deepest lakes filled with words. As long as the lake is full I shall never be at a lost for words."

2007-10-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I thought I was unhappy... I don't think that's the case, cuz now I am miserable. I don't feel like I belong any were. I don't find happiness any where. What am I going to do? I think I messed up. I think CMU was a mistake. I need to finish school. That is if I don't flunk out first. I need to pull all C's this term. With the amount of work and the fact that they gave me a five day a week schdule is pointless. I can't shake this feeling like I'm going to make a lot more mistakes, before the year is up. I just don't wanna do anything stupid.

2007-10-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

You self-protective Crabs have a hard shell and a soft, sensitive inside. You tend to take your relationships quite seriously, and although you have high ideals, you'll choose a partner who is authentic, though imperfect, over an unrealizable dream lover. You do, however, have your fantasies, especially this year as imaginative Neptune opposes the "make it real" planet, Saturn. Your heart is easily wounded, not because of increased sensitivity but because you are likely to reach further than usual, thereby setting yourself up for romantic disappointment. Don't get discouraged during the summer when Venus, the love planet, does her retrograde dance. If someone special doesn't live up to your unrealistic expectations, reevaluate the situation and move forward once you know the truth. But don't use this as an excuse to withdraw emotionally or you may isolate yourself from the very love you so strongly desire.

*This article is excerpted from the book, 'Your Astrology Guide 2007' by Rick Levine and Jeff Jawer, astrologers for Tarot.com. To find out your key dates and those of your friends and lovers -- and to get the scoop on your Super Nova days, too -- purchase this book.

Hmm, I wonder if this is true or not??? I know the truth about "Horoscopes" Rachel and I did a project in high school on em...

2007-09-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHH! I don't know why I am wanting to scream today, but I am. I was wondering should I stay in saginaw or move to MTP? I mean my friends are finishing up college. I only have about two- three years left of school and I can't see me moving up there when im at this stage in life...

2007-09-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

Howdy.

Just updating. I no longer feel melodramatic. I wanna thank every one whose shoulders I have cried on in these past few days. I am getting the old me back. Getting, in the swing of the all nighters, and frustration with computers, because they don't wanna listen to what I want them to do. "Damn you ville computers" -Stewie Griffin. I will say this I am not looking for anything along the lines of love until I am done with school. If loves should pass me bye GREAT! I don't need the heartache. Yes, I am aware I am the one who ended it.

I am currently planning trips. Nowhere, extravagant, but nice. Come Spring break I will be booking a hotel room with a view of the ocean in Florida. The problem I have is that I am not sure what part. I have been to Daytonia , Coco Beach, Port Canvrail, and yes the all exclusive Cousins Skips house. I am planning a trip to either Las Vegas or Paris for sumer break. The week in between spring and summer classes (puke). They both will run about 800 dollars. Thank the plastic gods lol. I figured if I am working and going to school then my plastic will stretch. If I have about 500 cash then I should have my trips paid for by the time I need to take them. Who's game.

2007-09-23T22:09:00.001-07:00

Dearest Kraig,

I thought that you loved me in the beginning then I loved you. I now think that I love you more in the end. I didn't want to break up with you; especially on our ten month annaversery. I am writing this in hopes that you will find it. I broke up with you so you would be happy. I know and you know that we've been done since begining of summer. I honestly doubt we will be back together ever again. In a way you took my virginty. You are the first love of my life, I hope some day we can be friends. I hope you didn't stay with me cuz you thought I wanted it. I don't think that is true. You would have broke it off. I hope you're not mad at me for writng this, but I need to let this out. I have no strength to live and I don't want to fall in love ever again. I will understand if you don't want to see, talk to me ever again. Knowing that I had some one who loved me for a while was more then enough and for that I will not forget. But, for now I am a mess. I can't stop cring. I roll over at night and you're not there it kills me. I would love to be dead right now just so I can't feel the pain in my chest anymore. I will always love you and I hope you know I have never meant you harm.

2007-09-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

I wanna go to Vegas for spring break... With a little crunching I have figured out the cost of the room. 600 for three nights. Now, I am willing to pay 300, if a couple of people would like to join they would have to pay 150 each.
no more the four people please. we might just drive. I figure we can go to vegas for spring break. if not I am going to fl. with or with out you all.

2007-09-17T08:18:00.001-07:00

sup?

I give up... I need to change something in my life. I think I need to get my own place. I don't wanna move back home, my friends all have roommates, and I can't afford much a month. I don't know what to do. My ups and lows seem to be more rapid then ever before. I wonder if it's not time to seek medication? I use to enjoy the ups and downs, but this is really bad. I was fine this morning (little sick, vomited couple of times, but that's it.) just for some reason the last few mins, I've been spiraling downward. I know these swings are taking a toll on my relationship, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning and someone gave me an anchor instead of a life jacket. I don't know what to do. I'm a little scared I'm not sure what to do. Maybe if I throw myself into a project I will just preoccupy myself till it goes away. Or it will backfire like never before...

2007-09-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

Dad.

To: the man who always wanted a son.

From: the son who never wanted you.

To sit here and write out everything I have pent up inside would be pointless, but it does need to be let out.

I hope it hurts you every day to know your son would rather stab out his own eyes and walk the desert forever then talk to you. If I make you proud you shouldn't be. I live this life to be proud of me. I love the fact that you will (better) die without ever seeing me. Don't worry I will be at the funeral. You will never meet my kin. You maybe a boxer, but I TKOED your sorry ass. I laughed when I heard stories about people kicking your drunken sorry ass. I hope you live well into old age so the thoughts of "what if?" will plague your dreams. I can only say you have the son you always wanted, but the son who doesn't want you! I hope you had a full life. If by the grace of god you read this, you have my permition to drop dead!

2007-09-09T07:28:00.001-07:00

I hate people. I know I say this all the time and the words have started to losse there meaning, but in this case I do. Friday night Miss. Rachel and I went out drinking ( I notice I drink really fast) she then dropped me off at my house and I did some homework then went to sleep. I was up on and off all night. I was up at 5 am when my cousin left for work and then again at 6 cuz I had to pee. I should have checked on my car like I do every time I get up and pee at night or trippled checked my front door. I failed to do so and as a result they broke into my LOCKED CAR. This is how they did it. pushed down my window and put a wire coat hanger in it and pushed the lock down with said hanger. They took my cd player, 20 dollars in coins and a maxed out credit card, I know they know my social number cuz it was on a paycheck stub in my glovebox which is normally locked. I geuss I kinda lucked out cuz the spare keys were locked in it. The icing on the cake is the fact that I had to take the day off from work yesterday and deal with it. Come to find out saginaw cops don't bother looking for stolen items from a car. They only do that in the Townships. I see some corruption. I hate this city with a passion. The cops in this city couldn't find the plague if they were on a ship filled with rats carring it. I hate people...

2007-09-05T12:16:00.001-07:00

I don't believe it I got a ticket today. 22 over the limit. I have to call my lawyer. I don't believe my luck lately. I have no mannor of luck. It seems to be that the cosmics are not in my favor anymore. The only thing going right,now anyways, is my realtionship. :)

2007-08-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm never at a lost for words; this we all know. For the first time, I am at a lost. I have alll the emotions running through me right now and I don't know how to express them. My personal and proffesional lives are all messed up. I hate my job, I just feel like there are a couple of people that are out to get me. For example a quote from a note from one person. "Get with Dan. and RE-LEARN HOW TO DO APS." I put a twin check on that film and I forgot I was not to do that. Simple mistake right? and then she goes on and says "APS doesn't need to have the paper colbrated." I felt like say hey, I've only been here for about two months. Not half way to my pentition like you. I didn't. Then the woman who was to be covering my department did nothing. Everything, the boss wanted her to do plus her normal daily duties were left for me. 8.5 hours she did nothing. Hmm that say volumes about her. So, I am ready to pack it all in. I know I can't do photo, I hole heartly believe that is, because of my Dislaxia. (to many steps for me to follow).

Conteplating moving to MTP. I don't want to leave my boyfriend and friends, but I might. 500 miles a week on my car is a lot (that is just what I drive to and from school.)

I have a lot of stuff on my plate and it makes me ill. You should know I cryed while I wrote this in hopes that my typing would stall the tears, but alas the didn't. This is my personal hell I don't think I will be getting out of it anytime soon. I just want everything in my life to make me happy. It seems like when one thing makes me happy others fail to. Lately, everything just seems to be failing. Somethings gotta give.

2007-08-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am paying my car off this month via student loans. I would like to buy a 1987 Corvette. Mind you, I am keeping the Avenger. Would that be a little bit or a lot gay? I do live in Michigan...

Is it flattery or envy if someone you know buys, a car just like yours? One difference though, it's a different color.

2007-08-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

I feel better now. Kraig and I had a talk about how we were feeling and turns out we both feel the same way. That helped a lot. The best part of the whole thing is that we didn't break up. We talked and started to work on our problems. So hopefully this will help on stay together and help us last a lot longer then what we both thought might of happened tonight.

2007-07-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am so ready for a change it's not funny. I don't get it; every time I turn around something seems to hit me in the face. I am getting really tired off all of it. I hope to have a new job(again) in septemeber. I have decided to try life at Birchrun Cinemas. The pay would be more of what I could use. Retail doesn't pay shit and I need more more money. I am use to being pretty broke, but as most people know I usually have enough money to buy some clothes or lunch. I don't even have that right now. I am so tired of this shit. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and totally dependent. That's a drastic change for me I am use to feeling totally surrounded and independent. If any one has any idea what I should do let me know.

2007-07-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

FOUR DAYS. On Monday, I turn 22 years of age. That is in no means old; unless you're talking the eairly years of Cilvilization. At this point it would not be umcommon for me to have a few kids, maybe even a second wife. Thank god it's not like that now. I am old if you look at it this way. My, supected grandfathter died at 47 years old. I am old if I die at 66 years old. That would mean I have lived a third of my life already. I am actually hoping to live to be 100, atleast that way I have another three years, before I turn and say I've live 1/4 of my life. I just wanna know why for the first time I am NOT looking forward to my birthday? The next big birthday I have to look forward to is my 25th. Then nothing until my 55th (I plan on retireing by then).

Let's see...

I have my classes looks like I will be in MT.P about once everyday Monday through Friday. Mondays are gonna suck I have to be out there twice in one day. I will be taking two Gegraphy classes, a technical teaching class, and I can't remeber my other class. Winter semester looks to be fun. I will be able to take my Nazi Germany history class, and another class of my choice. But I will have to take one math class and another upper class so I can be in the school of ED by the fall. I geuss it will be fun. I just wanna get done. Delta screwed me so bad. I only have 32 credits. "Every credit transfer from Delta to any Michigan college." my transcripts say differently.

What else...

I had a wierd dream last night. I was at this party (don't know at who's house) Jeff, Anna, Rachel, Kraig, Jake, Kelly, and a bunch more from school were in it. I walked in the dark and loud room. The air was thick with smoke, both tobacco and weed. I hear this voice calling out to me and gives me a drink. "drink up you're gonna need it." I thought that was a queer thing to say. I have my drink and I start to walk and walk. I see a light (usually I don't fallow the light, cuz of all the stories you hear about bright lights when you're dreaming) I follow it. I see everybody I just keep asking why are you all like that talk, move, something. I rember say "hey no ass talk." She didn't even hit me. Then I noticed this dark figure runing I chase saying "what the hell happened?" I just keep running and running... Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom run in place with my alarm going off. I don't get it.

2007-07-11T13:09:00.001-07:00

BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have decided to have a little party at my house. Monday nite starting at 8. I will have some food, little bit of liquor, and somemovies to watch. If you wanna get trashed byob. leave a comment.

2007-06-28T08:03:00.001-07:00

CANCELED NO PRIDE THIS YEAR. Sorry...

hi

2007-06-23T05:43:00.001-07:00

Hey, I wanna go to Gay Pride next weekend. It should be really fun. THere will be a lot of drinking, lesbians, bi-women, and much, much more. Do I have any takers?

2007-06-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I was rock bottom I dig even deeper. My loan from Delta, is due and they want 342.54 dollars by July 6th. I can give them the 54 cents, but that's about it. Something about me being below a full time student. So, I have to pay that in July and August. I really hope and pray that they hire me for the job. I mean I don't like to clean up my own house, but cleaning some one else shouldn't be that bad... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

2007-06-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

BORED!!! I've had a bad day. I don't wanna talk about it; just thought I should say somethin' somethin'.

2007-05-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am 21 years old. I should be happy, invincble. Why the fuck does it feel like I lost a love one. Maybe, it's out of fear that I am fucking up my life. I have never gone through my life without a plan. Maybe, it's the lack of school or maybe I am missing a a part of me. I just want to be happy again. I have live a fucked up life and all I want is the pot o'gold from the Rainbow. I can no longer put up this facade of happiness. I never had a creach now I have a lot. My rollercoster of emotions needs to stop. I would love to have one day where I didn't get down, anger, happy, miserable, pissed. I would love to have a day with just one of those emotions not all with the 24 hour pierod. I think my friends have noticed that I am unhappy and out of kindness they haven't said anything. I'm not blameing anyone so please don't take offense to this. I just feel alone. I don't get why. I have a lover, a great group of friends, supportive family, a job I like and I feel like everything in my life has DIED!!!!!! I vowed to myself not to take a pill that will alter my emotions, but as I sit here in tears I have deiced that I need something. I would love to run far-far-away. My responsablities are keeping me here. Maybe, if I were truly alone I would be able to pack and move. I can't do this anymore. I always knew life sucked, but I had hoped for some good. I am hoping that I have monday off. Maybe, Kraig and I will take a drive to a lake or something. I need a chance a new site o'happiness. I am up for suggetions lets keep them cheap.

2007-05-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

WTF. I love my mom, but it seems like she does this to me a lot. There is this guy she works with and everybody had outed him. Apartenly he's having dreams about his male co-workers (by the way this guys is suppose to be engaged). So, to make a long story short-ish. This is what happened. The guy perked up when he found hout that my moms son (me) will be at the party this Saturday. I guess he's suppos'd be cute but let's face it I will end up getting hit on by a currouis guy at my mom's party that she is having for my uncle. This is the type of shit Jerry would pay for.

2007-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

This is my 200th post. Wow!! Hey, I got a new phone. I got a new Red Razr V3. I paid less then two dollars. That's all ttyl.

2007-04-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

I have come to relize I am a better person then I thought I was. I geuss you could say I've had an apthany (sp if you know the right spelling for it let me know). I have realized I want nothing from my father. All, I want is to send him a letter and a picture to show him that without him I have become an up-standing person. The child he wanted dead and always wanted turned out pretty damn good if I say so my self. So for that fact and only that fact I will send him that note. And, when he dies I plan on going to his funeral just to see him for the first and last time. My, real concern is when I die, and if there is a haven will I have to see him. But, if my beleafs come true then I will proaly re-live my life, but if my life is good now and I am happy (dispite this unshakeable depression I am happy). Then what mistakes would I have to make.
This is the list of things I feel I do right.
1) Stand up for people that can't. The ill ones.
2)State facts when people are feeding lies to me or mine.
3)Defeand the people that mean the most to me.
4)I don't hold grudges unless you hurt me or mine.
5)I am not the jealous person. I am also happy for people that get things the proper way (work)
6)I am not really a racist. I just hate all people the use the system, people, and that don't like something cuz they are afarid. (sexuality)
7)I would give the shirt off my back if it would help one of mine.

Seven good reasons why I think this might be my last life as me. I wonder. I know it could have been better, but I don't think I would want any of it to change. The events in my life made me the person I am. I just have to make sure I remeber them. If I can do this I will not lose my roots...

2007-04-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

This is the dream I had.

Picture it my room around 5:30 am (black and white). I was laying on my bed as if I were being crusifade (sp.)(Note I was hoviering over me in my bed.) I heard in my left ear "just slit'em let the scream roar from within. Let your pain end." Then at aproaxamtly 5:31 am I am awake. I have been awake ever since. This is really creapying me out. Could it be a sign that I should be less mean? Or am I just down in the dumps tring to grab a melonchly existince? I don't know what to do... I GIVE UP!!

2007-04-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

You know what I miss a lot of things we would do as a group. I mean I like change. I mean I ended a long term job and now have two new jobs that are alot better. The one thing I dont miss is my phone. I mean I use to enjoy getting text messeages, phone calls and pictures, but now it seems to be getting out of hand. Just today I have recived 100 messages. I woke up at 11 am. this is rediculus. I am half tempted to cut my phone off all together. Maybe, I will just start shuting it off, at night. If I do that then some one who will need me to pick them up for some damn reason won't be able to get a hold of me. then I would be in all kinds of trouble. ERRRRRRRRR. Would Verizon let me set it up where I can say what messages and phone calls can go through until a certain time?? God that would be wonderful. But then the operator would end up tearing her hair out with some of the bullshit that gets sent to my phone. Lets see what else...

Oh, so my Uncle got arrested. They plastered his name and mug shots all of the news down home.
Kraig left to fend for myself this weekend it's kinda lonley. I miss him and he's only been gone a day. That fucker made me fall in love.

2007-04-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

Hello, I have no clue what to write about. I am so confused... I don't have a clue why. My Doctor thinks I need to have some kind of mind drug. He thinks that my depression is making me ill. So after the blood work is done I will be part of the sedation crowd. Does that mean I will fit in more with the Orange County Crowd??? He laid out my option. Almost, all, of the drugs have sexual sideffects. I have no clue. I geuss I will take the meds, cuz the self-medications I have used have not worked to my liking. I will do what I need to do to get back on track.

2007-03-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, this can and mostly will only happen to me. The following events are true word-for-word.

1) I had two jobs and going to school, not full time, but more then parttime. I stopped going to school in December, quite my job then three months later quite my other job. I spent a total of one week unemployeed. I had a interview at Meijer they then called me the day of my interview and said I start Thursday at 10am.

2) Block buster calls wanting to interview me. I go Friday at 2pm (It was suppose to be tomorrow at 1.) In the voice mail the lady left me she said "she wants me to accept the interview."

3) I go from two jobs and school to nothing then to two jobs and school all over again.

I have further decided I NEED A MOTHER FUCKIN VACATION. I will have my debt controlable in June. And have already told Meijer I will need a coupld of days off in July around my b-day. I figure, now, that the vast majority of my friends are working and over the age of 21 we could go to LAS VEGAS. I fiugre what the hell, why can't we go to a city where it is legal to get so tore up and almost normal to get married at the same time. And if Jeff comes he'll be able to kill the hooker of his choice and if Dan wants we can brury Chris out there as well.

2007-03-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have a lot to say and I either don't want to say it or I don't know were to begin. Still, in love, yeah. We are doin' better then well, but we do have our moments. I think I screwed up big time. The people who read this know that, I don't handle death well. I have to blame it on the fact that I have never had any one, extremly, close to me pass on. Yes, I know a grandmother passed-away this time last year. But, in all honesty I have never really thought about lossing someone close to me. I know we all die and I think about death more then a little bit. I see through my, love, how I am proally going to act; the same way he is when my grandmother passess (but for him his grandfather passed). The only thing is that I would proally be tring to control more of everything, but that's me (the control freak).
I see that love of mine hurting so much, but I don't know what to do.

Still out of work, but my family is not really rushing me. They, gave me till June to find work. My cousin think I might work for GM or something along those lines this summer. Here's hoping.

2007-03-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, I am thinking about haveing a painting party one of these days. I will have pizza, snacks, beer, liquor, and other things that people want. I will have paint and all those things too. Dress in grubs.

2007-03-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

FUUUCK!

I should have never of gotten up this morining. First off I almost died going to work my breaks went out. Then, on my way to get a different job my ball joint broke (again). Then, my machanic tells me I need powersteering, shocks, breaks, and a couple other things that don't need fixin' right now. My Mom is giving me the money for it. So on my way home, my phone dies. Verizon takes care of it no problem. I walk out of the store and have a flat tire. No big; I put air in my tire and it's all good. I get home it's flat again, my rim is bent. I thought to myself "well the rims were cheap maybe I can get one for cheap." I ate those words. 136 dollars for one rim. I was like what? I didn't pay 500 for rims and tires. So fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can drive on my dount for a spell, but I mean shit what else could go wrong. I want my mommy....

I would rather have my love though.

2007-03-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

Well the job out look is getting better by the day. I have a feeling I will be employeed by the end of next week. I would perfer the end of this week, but I won't hold my breathe. For those of you who care I have been out of the loop the last five days, becuase of pnemonia (I blame Chris). I have wierd feeling that I am loosing control of my life. I am deeply in love, but fear that I will lose this love if I don't gain control again. Thus why I am going to shower, shave, and GET A MOTHER FUCKIN JOB!!

2007-02-24T00:16:00.000-08:00

Hey world. I am starting to think Rachel and I are the only people that update on an almost the only people who update their blogs. Where are all the people at. I know you're all not doing homework, who does homework anymore??

2007-02-13T16:02:00.000-08:00

This is just my luck.

I had a tooth ache lastnight. I endedup takeing like three or four asprins (not at once) just to get ride of the pain. I did call the dentist and had me come in today. They took x-rays and looked at my tooth. Nothing visibly wrong with my tooth. This lead my dentist to say that I will have to go back and have the spcealist look at it and fix it. I will end having to have a deeper rootcanal done. She, thinks they might have missed a large part of the nerve. I now have to go back and have the cap taken off and have the nerve taken out. I will end up being knocked-out. Only, I would have to have my tooth re-routecanaled.

2007-02-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

This is the scoupe folks. I want to see "Riverdance" Rachel seems to be intrested in going. I thought it would be fun to see if we could get the group to go. Cuz the majority of us are in school tickets would only be like 12 dollars. The boyfriend can't make it and I really want to see "Riverdance". Irish music, dancing; what could be more fun? Come on, after the play we all could go to the bar and pretend to beIrish and get snot faced. Jeff I'm talking to you....

2007-01-31T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a little down and am not sure why. I read some where that if you clean up your surroundings that might help you feel better (not that I live in complete filth, but I geuss my car and room could use a good cleaning). I need to find a night job just for sanity purposses. I actually feel help in my realtionship. I have never been happy to hear from someone on a daily bases. That is saying a lot for me. I mean my own mother gets on my last nerves every now and then. I need to do something that doesn't cost me a lot of money. On another note I am caught up on my bills; now if I can just pay off my last two cards off I will be just fine. bye all.

2007-01-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

Back from Chicago.

I had fun... Jeff and I had a 92.50 dollars bar tab our first night. Then midnight we bought Rachel a Bombcicle. Were after that we went to T.G.I.F'S for a snack. Our, waiter was gordon and French, and GAY. He really, reminded me of Lyrch from the Adam's family. Then we cliberated her birthday. I took it eaisy cuz of my anckle. I liked it I proally would have liked it more if it weren't so damn cold. Kraig wants to go so, we might go this summer or something.

2007-01-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have done the impossible two things for me.

I have been involved for about two almost three months. I have also gotten so cheap that I have put over 30,00 miles on my brakes. I am really anal about car repairs. Had a friend check it out and all i need are front pads. Pads are like 25 dollars. So for about 75 dollars, 25 for brakes and 50 to buy beer, smokes, and food. That still beats 200 dollars for a brake job. Yay me. Well I have to get in the shower and pick of my love from his place. I love haveing somone like him in my life.

P.s.

Rachel I will have the rest of your money for you on friday I think.

2007-01-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Where has all the parenting gone?

They put T.V. shows on showing the disobeidant little children. Who in there right mind would let a child tell them what to do or act in such a mannor. Let me tell you if my child ever acted out in such a mannor there ass would be red for a week. I hate the fact that discapline in the family is wrong. I think a lot of old fashioned ways are good. I don't think a child should be beaten with a belt. A bare hand across the butt is more then enough. Now, I don't want to hear that in todays world parent hate punishing there kids, because they both have to work 40 plus hours aweek to mantain a descent living. My mom was a single mother, worked two or more jobs. When I acted out I would either recive a spanking, or she would threaten me. I think I turned out pretty okay.

Now, for you pre-teens and teens who think you're grown. You're not. You should be thankful that teachers can't spank or hit a student, I know many students at the school I went to and work at who would have greatly needed it. If I would have acted like that when I was in that age, all the privilages that were given to me would have been taken away.

I must say thank you for raising me the way you did mom.

2006-12-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

Does any one ever feel like there's a little guy (women) in the back of your headfighting sanity and insanity? I feel as if the one of the little people in the my head is losing the fight for sanity. I just wonder how many more sane years I have left. I wonder if I will be one of those old farts that walk around flipiing the bird to kids, and telling other people just to plain old "fuck off." I would like atleast fourty or fifty years left before I am that to far gone. Well I am off to a Christmas party.

2006-12-18T12:42:00.000-08:00

I think I've been hanging out at the bar to much. I don't drink that much, but I have to start getting to bed eairler I have to hang on to my tutoring job atleast till I find another one. I am so happy to be done with the shit hole at the end of the week.

2006-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

I don't get it.

2006-12-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what is your problem with me, you didnt like me from the start, but yet you come with Rachel and Dan to celebrate my birthday. Im just kinda curious. You seem really negative about things and you never really got to know me personally so why hate. Anyway, Im not scared of what you think. But even Rachel has invited me to her birthday party at her new apartment. So, what do you have to say about that. Im not being a bitch either, im just telling you the truth. Pam

Why me. Well this was my response.

I don't like you for many reason. I don't like what you did to Jeff. That is enough for me to not like a person. Plus, I don't think you get what it means to be Christian. Christians have deep moral control. Which you have proven time and time again you don't have. And Rachel is free to invite you to anything she wants. I plan on being at her bday party too. But I won't go out of my way to make you feel welcomed towards me nor will I be an ass to you out of RESPECT for Rachel. However, if I see you in public I shan't be aknowlegding you in any way. I hope this will get a point made to you. The circle of friends that I have know how I feel and they have approved my attitude. If you don't like it tough

Since, when do I have to explain myself to people can't I just not like somebody any more. I mean really we all are in the real world. I don't like you I don't like you. GOD

2006-12-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

It appears that CMU has lowered there standards. I will be attending this fall. That means I will be commuting between Saginaw and Mount Pleasent. Kraig and I still seem to be getting along great. I can't help but wonder if I like him more he likes me. Then on the other hand I can't help, but wonder if he likes me more. I really want this to work. This Sunday will mark a total of 14 days of knowing eachother. That makes me happy. In other news. I am buying a Jeep in Feb. My mom has requested that I get one for the snow next year. I found one that I love, but alas it is in Philly. Anybody wanna join me? I plan on flying there and driving back.

2006-11-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

I am happy. I meet somebody and I think this person will be sticking around for a while. I just meet him, but it feels like I've known him for a long time. He's great.

2006-11-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

I had a messed up dream last night. It was about my Father. I geuss it might be because my mom saw his sister-in-law. She asked about me and my mom told her. I don't understand why I had the dream though. I have no diesire in meeting him. In the dream we meet in a school. He gets up and hugs me. He has a big belly, tall, beard, dark hair, and grey hair. I woke up wondering if I should meet him or just say fuck it. Deep down inside I know he wouldn't welcome me with open arms. I mean what do you say to a person that left you before you were born? "Hi, dad I'm the son you always wanted, but left." or better yet what would you say to the child you left. "Hi, son, I'm you dad. Let's go play ball."

I am lost. I have tons more questions and ponderings to do. I geuss I keep hoping that some day he would come and knock on my door. Not to take me away, but so I can have a father and mother. That is something I always wanted. I know I will never have that. The best I can do is be there for my children. My mom did her best and I think she has done pretty well. If you look at the stero-types for single parents.

Have a happy Turkey day.

2006-11-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

The concert was pretty cool. I really enjoyed the "Caberary" (sp). I have to admit I was not expeceting the concert to be soon fun. I geuss as long as you have a good friend with you all is good. Well I have a house to clean and am no mood to do it. Damn, holidays. Screw it I am just gonna go to bed. Leave me a message.

2006-11-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that the vast majority of my friends seem to be depressed and puting distince between the rest of the circle. I fear that the circle won't last much longer. That's a shame too. We use to have so much fun, but now it's like we have to pull teeth to do anything with them. I know I put some distiance between me and the circle, I blame my job. I have been working to many hours. All work and no play makes for a very dull life. I must admit I am having second thoughts about leaving the theater, but I must way the pros and cons of my sanity. That's funny cuz my sanity is hanging on by a very thin thread. I must go now and slave away at a job I hate more than G. W.

P.S Go DEMS, keep this up and you will control the free world in the next election.

2006-11-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

I feel bad. I am sick. I have thrown up since 4:40 a.m and it almost hasn't stoped. I called my doctor to see what he wants me to do. His response was stomach flu and ear infection. He faxed my job a note excussing me for the day. I feel bad cuz I was closing manager, but if I have the stomach flu what good am I any ways. Plus this is like the first time I have called in since June of '05. I am going to bed now I feel all achey and ill like.

2006-11-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

Battling my demons are harder then I had antipated. I seem to get one problem under control and I realize I have issues with another. This seems to be a sprialing out of control condition. I really don't know what to do. If I drink it's to much. If I eat it's to much. If I start smoking it's to much and costly. I can't spend money ( I don't have any). If you have any ideas give me a call or message.

2006-11-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

I WANT A NEW JOB. Okay, I admit it I CAN'T HANDLE that place anymore. I go there and get sick, I think about just going home, and I stlll make shit for money. I did manage to get offered a job today and I might take it. It's the same amount of hours per week same money. But is really laid back. I geuss the new chapter of my book will be. "THE SHOE SALESMAN".

2006-10-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

I saw two bumper sticker today and laughed so hard. I don't like putting them on my car, but if I found these ones I would. One said "God is to big to fit into on relgion." and the other said "If only closed minded people came with closed mouths." I know we all have our own takes and belieafs, but I am sick of other people pusching them on me. I know what I am. I am a man who likes to have fun. It doesn't matter with who as long as I get along with them. I writ this, because today I recived a phone call and it was this person that said if you don't have god your soul is going to pay for ever. I know god is there god is in me, you and every one. Jesus is the one that will pass final judgement. I like to believe that as long as I don't hurt people and be totally cruel I will go into a state of Ecasty. If I don't then I will relive my life over and over until I get it right. I will be totally fine with that. We all learn from our mistakes. I didn't intend to write this much, but I had a creative moment.

I should inform you that I am kind of seeing some one. I am not going to introduce this person for a while. First off they are in the Marines and secondly we are still just getting to know one-another. I don't know how much we still need to know about eachother. We have had sex a couple of times. I am actually happy.

I am still leaving the theater, but not till the first of the year. If CMU accepts me I will just make the comute.

2006-10-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a new laptop. I feel kinda bad cuz my old one was a gift and not that cheap. On the other hand it was starting to get out dated, slow way down, and a lot of other stuff. I have been really good this year in paying bills. I am almost paid off. By the first of the year the majority of my cards will be taken care off. I am going to put 500 dollars down on my master card. I am only doing that cuz they are really starting to bug me. I plan on keeping my Visa, Oldnavy and maybe my Best Buy card (if they don't piss me off like they did last time.) My game plan is to save up all my spendable income in Janurary (so I can have a savings acount again) and then starting in Feb pay 450 a month on my car. If I do that it will be paid for in July of 07 instead of 08.

P.s I am just waiting on CMU to tell me if I have gotten in or not. I applied earlier in the week and now am waiting for them. I think I am going to get student loans that will cover my bills through the school year that way I dont have to work and have class. Maybe I can sweet talk my mom in giveing me 30 bucks a week.

2006-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well for all those who care I did it. I applied to CMU. Now, all I want to do is vomit and vomit some more. I really hope they accept me. If they don't I dunno what else to do. Guess I will work at GKC till the day I die. shit!!!!!!

Side note. I DID NOT CHECK OUT PAM. IF YOU TALK TO HER AND SHE SAYS ANYTHING IT'S A LIE. ASK RACHEL.

2006-10-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU FINACE GOD. If my math is right I get three paychecks in Novemeber. In all reality I get six, well five cuz i get paid the 1st of dec. This will give the sum of 510 dollars to pay on bills. That's a big dent in my debt. It will then only take my about six weeks to finish paying off my cards. I am not going to worry about my Penny's card. I need a new computer for the fall. I am applying to CMU here goes it all. This brings me to my next question. Should I get a laptop or desktop?

2006-10-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

If, somebody ask me want I wanted most this year it wold be hard to say in one quick sentence. I want a lot. Two of the most important things I want right now are these 1) to have more free time. 2) not have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I know and admit that I spent the money faster then it was coming in, but I was young and foolish about the world of credit cards. I have since learned my lesson and will not do that again. (Side note here. This might be a long post.)

I have unoffically changed my major. To make it offical I will have to go to the office here to do it. I am going into conciling ( not sure if I posted about it yet or not.) I will be attendedin Delta fro winter and spring then I plan on moving up to MTP in July. I am appling for CMU in Janurary. Here's hoping.

I have to change my life. I am not letting the right things control it. I have decided to cut WAY BACK. I have said I am against certain things. I am now chanigng my mind. I am changing my view. Pot is still okay. I can relate to Coke, but don't let your lifes be ruled by them. I am not saying I do them, but I am voicing my new opinion. Thoughs are the only ones that are some what okay. I can and do see how people let them control there lives. I have decied to complete all homework on friday's. With the acception of the 28th when all my homework will be done on that thursday.

I was almost hit by Pam on Wedensday. She was not looking when she went to change lines. If I would have been anyother person I would not have stopped or laid on my horn. That marks the second time on a pay day where I was almost hit by some one I know. Two weeks before that I was almost re-ended by an employee on Bayroad. Hmmm.

Well, that is my life story at this point let me know you opinons on what I said. And as always lots of love to those closet to me. I feel they will help me out of this issue in my life.

2006-09-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have a Saturday night off. I am siting on my couch with a movie going and my laptop this is the first time in a few weeks were I have been able to veg. I am listening to the rain while kinda watching a silent movie. I am really proud of myself I watched a French movie with french subtitles and understood a few of the words. That brings me here. I really want to go back to Paris, I loved it when I was there. I have been looking into it and it would cost 600 dollars to go back for three days, but I am thinking about it before I go to CMU and then can't afforad the money or time to do so. Does any one else ever feel like the act older then they really are and then when you want to blow some money you can't. Example, I wanted to go and buy some new work clothes, but I was thinking about it and said that I might be happier spending the money on bills and at the first of the year have all my cards paid for and then I can blow some cash.

P.s Jeff call me

2006-09-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

BORED!!!!!

Just wondering if Rachel's post about the party this Halloween is still happeneing. I took that weekend off. I have my custume as well I am going to be a Doctor. Leave a comment, so I know the game plan.

2006-09-07T22:38:00.000-07:00

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

2006-09-06T12:39:00.000-07:00

Some much to say so little time. Classes are going svell. I am looking forward to witner when I will be at SVSU. I am pretty sure that I will be at CMU next fall. I have slightly changed my major. I will be a college proff. It's still History with English as a my minor. I am hopeing that CMU or SVSU will shed some light on a dark mind. My mind has turned extremly dark in that last few weeks. I feel it is stress. I am use to working with a highly stress life, but I have to keep going and going, despite the fact that I am really sick. I know it's not normal to shit blood. I am going to the doctor but not til next week. well I am off to class. then home CALL ME GOD DAMNIT!

2006-08-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, this has been an odd day. First off, I got up went to scholl, normal day there. Secondly, I went home and my machanic called my mom and told her that my car needed Shocks, struits, brake pads, battery, tires, and some other shit. Then, I paid off a couple cards saving me there. My mom then bribed me to go to either SVSU or CMU with a Sony Vivo. Oh yea, I am selling my car. I will not sell it repaired nor will I sell it to friends. Well Thats all ttyl!!!

2006-08-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have to tell you all this story of a body of mine at work. He has his car stole in broad daylight, as his neighbor watched, had his mom kick him out of the house, police finding his car and have it gutted like a deer, and wake up this morning with apendix problems. And I thought my day was shit.

Okay, I went to work this morning thinking I could clock in eairly and leave eairly. Well, let me tell you it didn't work out that way. First off, I walk in seeing that I have five faxes waiting for me (shit!). PAYROLL IS TOO HIGH! CUT BACK CUT BACK! then the next four were more yelling threatening us with write ups and all that fun shit. Then, cutting some 50 hours off of one day. Then getting busy and twisting my side. Let me tell you. I walked to the other end of the Consseion stand to get something and got widged between the popper and three other people. Forcing me to leave my waist down stright and then twisting my torso. AS i start to twist I get wedged even further then my body intended to go and all you could hear is my back cracking, OWE! Finshed with my customers and went and sat in the office and took three IB'S.

On a very happy note, I found a store to carry my worlds favorite ice cream "Blue Moon." Yummmmm! Night all!

2006-08-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

To the person that has pissed me off to no end. I have deleted you from my phone, aim and all other forms of comuincation in the 21st century. I have no need and no room for people that want to play games. I would rather to know a totally honest person then a dishonest person as you are. If I never see you again it will be to soon. I have to deal with you until the 5th of Septemeber then I never have to see you again. If you see me in public don't acknowlege me and I will do the same. If you acknowlege me I will hit you. Not a pussy as bitch slap, but a right hook. So, if I were you I would choose "A". I do have a mean right hook. So to you sir here is a big FUCK OFF YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! :0

2006-08-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

Killings need to be legalized. I need to drink. Thank god I am going to the bar on Thursday.

2006-08-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

I want to post, but I have nothing to say. .......................................................

2006-08-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am use to waking in the moring with swollen body parts, but this is the oddest one yet. I get up do my thing in the morning, and I will be damned if my thumb was not swollen. I don't remeber getting stung in the thumb. I have no clue what this is about but it HURTS.

2006-08-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Some one tell me the point! If one can tell me the point of putting one foot in front of the other and moving on tell me. Cuz, I sure as shit don't know. I am growing bored of lifes rollercosters. I often think that I am ready to find my mate get married and die. Then the youthful part of me kicks in and says, "What?!" You get married have kids (not certain I want them) and have no fun. I am happy I am not sad, please don't read this as me being sad, it's just me thinking. What is the point of getting married sleeping with one person forever. It doesn't sound fun at all. I really don't think that is gods will for us. Why, would we have to do that. There has to be something we are missing. I get we are still paying for the sins of Adam and Eve. Jesus lost his life for our sins. Are we entering a new era of salvation (or in our case re-salvation). We have people wanting to kill us because we have freedoms they don't? That's not right. That reminds me of the old saying "You pay for the mistakes of one person" basicly it takes one bad person to fuck it up for the rest. I for one am tired of paying for others fuckups. I want to pay for my own. All this shit of the son pays for the mistakes of the Father is crap. It is time we pull up our pants and take responsablity for ourselves. I am also dieing to know who said Jesus is our lord?

Break down time. (from the way I see it)

Jesus is the son of God. God create everything. Jesus might of had powers to heal or he was a Doctor and new what herbs to put together to help heal ( I am confident that if the church knows they won't tell. Also, they will pay a lot of money to keep it quite.) As, all my friends know I don't believe what the churches say. I go a different path. I am breaking it down here.

Virgin Marry? Sure.
God? Yes.
Jesus? Yes.
Jesus having powers? Maybe.
Jesus being Gods son? Why not.
God forgiving killers, rapist, moldsters? NO, thats why there's Hell on earth.

Ways to stay out of Hell. Live in HARMONY with all, fill your self with not love nor HATERED. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Follow the rules set fourth and you will have your salvation at the end of your life! Ramblings of Ryan.

Should I start the next church? Tom Cruise has his.